My anger...

I would like to start by saying that I had an enlighting trip to China and if I have the opportunity to go somewhere else or back to China, then I will seize that opportunity in a heartbeat. I realized...not really realized, but I have accepted...that I am the dumbest jackass ever. I knew I was unappreciated as a human being, but I did not let it get to me.  I just brushed it off.  Did a "meh! Someone will see my talent." kinda approach. And, I am sorry to say that I have let myself get to this.  One of the lowest points in my life, that has been caused by my own ignorance and unwillingness to just keep on the path not taken by most. I wanted to see what the easy path was like and I'm paying for it. Dearly!  I am really writing to get this dark cloud from over my head.  I don't know what it is, but I don't need it hanging around me. Making me even more ill. Stealing my life from me every second that I do not take that step and move my life forward.  I just  finished my Bachelor's degree. On the 23rd. I felt proud of me.Finally! A feeling of satisfaction came over me! Like, "way to go Dyane!!" That feeling was short lived though. As I thought I would just relax...cool out for the summer... ...everyone makes a big deal about having time off for the summer more than they want every weekend off every single damn month! *sheesh* All I wanted to do was check out my life, assess what was happening, maybe finish my Associate's in CIM at Ashworth University, have a little sex with my interesting friend, and get in some family & friends time before classes started for the fall quarter.  Sounds good, huh? Work like a new slave at my job. Make a few pennies. Start paying my ma back for buying my plane ticket... *sigh* You know, I see everyone else...sinning like there's no tomorrow, doing as they please and being rewarded like kings and queens, not having a care, or having any responsibilities...just laughing it up and whatnot. ...And, I want to be envious...I do...just for a few days. Let me loathe them! Let me wish for what they have...but then something  comes over me and I go "you cannot find righteousness that way Dyane. You will not find favour with God and salvage your spirit. Your soul will be lost and then destroyed, like a sandwich that is eaten and released from the body. You will become worthless." And, then I get back up and start to toil again.  And, I am overly thankful of the Lord and all of  the patience and mercy he has shown me through the years of my life...all of the many nights and mornings and afternoons he has lstened to me rant and rave and ask and pray...the Lord would have to be almighty to put up with my crap day in and day out. But, I can't seem to shake these feelings of anger towards Americans. Towards Blacks. Towards everyone outside of my family, friends, and acquaintances. And, I've been angry long enough. That is why I started my movement of self-modification, if you will.  After my first stroke, TIA, in 2009 I began to want a change. I felt that the anger building up inside had caused me to nearly lose my life.  Then, in 2010, I nearly lost my feet and legs to complications brought on by diabetes.Now, I thought the feet and leg issue stemmed from letting work and home get the best of me...which the doctor's sort of agree with me on that notion. But, the main culprit in that case was the fact that I was born with diabetes or developed it when I first stated having developmental problems in 2nd to 3rd grade. Who knows, because back then if you could eat, poop, and play, there was nothing wrong with you. I still believe that to this day to be true. It's just...I left work at the end of June. Had surgery July 4th. Went back to work by mid October. Left work again for surgery on October 25th. Had surgery for tumor removal on May 27th of 2011. Had a near three month hospital stay off and on until August. Went back to work in September. And rounded off my "Interesting thing that happened to me" tour with another stroke in China. And, all I want to do is slap the living daylights out of every person that even THINKS about being foolish.  I take risks! Trust me, when I say that I have taken plenty of risks in my days. But, I what I want most is to just be normal. Not walking like a broken robot after a few hours of working. Not not being able to dance or laugh without feelings like I'm about to vomit or lose feeling in my body parts. I do not want to only be able to eat some things because my stomach cannot process food in less than 17.7 hours! I want to say "it's not fair!" because it's not fair. ...But, you reap what you sow. And, I cannot enjoy the good harvest until the bad harvest is picked and out of the way. I guess I cut short for right now. I'm very tired and ill.

Ttyl,

Dyane

Welcome back

HELLOOOOO bloggers! LOL I'm the only person reading this s

o...HELLO ME!! :-D :-D anywhos! I was finally told at work that I can not wear colorful hair. :( I know it's discrimination, but if they think they can stifle me...then they don't know me very well. PHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! I was upset...angry even! But that has melted away because!!...wait for it...wait for IT!...A MODEL SCOUT CAME IN AND ASKED IF I WOULD LIKE TO BE A MODEL!!! !!!! WHOOT! Her name is Dayna-super cool- she has a pixie hair cut, light blonde, chic black/pink rimmed glasses, and an awesome personality!! YAY!! her website, vamps and vixens, is super artistic! NOT PORNOGRAPHY!! YAYAYAYAYAAYYY! LMBO she is an artist and does the makeup and whatnot. She has done some fashion shows, tv/video shoots! *whew* I'm totally STOKED! ...do people still use that phrase? ...well I do. PHAHAA! I finished my life book for my soon to be adopted child, whenever that may be AND Melinda from Drive to work called me and I go in next week to get in some more volunteer hours!! *shrieks* isn't GOD GREAT!! and here I was, about to let life get me down into a funk and *poof* negativity nipped in the buns hun!!I'm excited! Ubber excited! so let's see how things work out for me. ;)

Earth Day 2011

Ahh! 04-23-2011 was a very good day. No...it was a great day! I had signed up to volunteer this morning setting up tables and greeting vendors that were going to be in Richmond for the Earth Day Festival. These vendors would be making the public aware of things they could do to help promote cleaner living and a more harmonious living style that is beneficial to both the planet and people. But, enough Captain Planet stuff! The fun started once I arrived. I had to pretend to be just as normal as everyone else today. So what does that mean...means I went without my cam walker today! And BOY! did I feel it! I'm battling a rapid degeneration of tissue in my left foot (it was both at one point) and I've expressed to my doctor at the Wound Healing Center that I did not find anything beneficial about wearing a normal cast around for a few months that a removal cast could not provide. So...with that bit of background...I slipped my foot into my sneaker and locked my car and walked just a bit to the volunteer meeting place. I had seen the volunteer coordinator before, so I felt pretty at ease. Only two black people (myself included in that count) and one Asian fella sprinkled among ten white volunteers. Now...I'm not looking to pick a fight. I'm just saying that it would be nice to see an event, a community event, that did not involve the three C's. Church, chicken, or crime.

Anyways! We were the set up group and were about to walk two blocks to get to the main site. After a minute of walking, we are greeted by another coordinator, who seemed very polite, but not really sure about what we were to be doing. Another volunteer coordinator came over and directed us (the volunteers) to start setting up the tables the vendors were going to use. They kept referring to a layout, but I think I looked at it twice the entire time I was there. We begin to move the tables, only to be stopped and sent to a side street and set tables up there. I was cool. The people in charge were just getting ready, you know, waking up. It was 7am on a gloomy Saturday. Understandable. Two unfortunate people had their cars towed to make room for the tables. I felt bad for the person who had their emergency brakes on, 'cause the tow guy was rockin' and scrappin' that car up! A nice BMW sports car!! So about five minutes later, we all congregate back to the first place we were setting tables at. By now, city workers were setting out cones in the street, blocking off traffic, and the unmarked police car was getting primed in his position to slap a few tickets on folks that were trying to snag a close spot to the event. :-D The fella coordinator seemed like he knew what was going on, so I jumped on his bandwagon when he said, "I need three volunteers". It was myself, a lady(whom I can't remember her name), and this talk skinny guy with some serious bed head. Our task was to carry some tables across the street to the park and (mumble mumble). We looked at each other and I peeped out an, "and where did you need us to take the tables?" LOL My teammates laughed a bit, but I was serious! We finally got some clear direction on where to go, so we took off with four tables. Now, let me stop right here and tell you about these tables. They are about four feet long, maybe longer, made out of pressed wood bits and plastic with metal fold-able legs. Me and the other woman on this team pick up one table and head across the street. The fella had grabbed a table and followed us. When we get across the street, we all noticed there are two areas we could set up in. The fella says, "I'll go grab another table and ask them to be more specific". Good man right there ladies. He skips (not literally) across the street and in about a minute, we see him with TWO tables in his hands and making his way back towards us. My arms were like you better not try that with us. We set up in the new spot, up a bit further from where we stopped originally. We made our way back across the street and the fella looks a bit hot. I said, "glad I wore a short sleeve shirt" and the fella, who's in a short sleeve shirt, a vest, and a scarf says he's gonna "come up out of this scarf and vest". Now a few years ago, I would not have seen the point of wearing a sleeveless vest and a short sleeve shirt with a scarf! But, I dress funny to many people, so...to each their own. Back at the meeting place and now the stage is being backed in to position, but the tables we had set up have been moved and I'm confused about whether or not someone important did not show up and the people who were here are just pulling stuff out of the air.

Where did my guy go to? "I need some more volunteers to help me around the corner." Ah, there he is. In his rugged cargo pants, the hairy legs with those white guy calf muscles, a faded green shirt, a rust colored jacket, and a knapsack. I'd follow him around that corner. LOL but, just that corner. :-D All of us followed him around that corner, to a shady looking alley. What are we gonna do, I wondered. And then...(phulup!) yes. A hay bale. We all would be grabbing 20 bales or so and taking them back to the main area, to be used as seats. Aight. That's very earthy. Cool idea. I grab one and start back to the main area and (not now) is running through my mind. My right leg is going limp and I'm walking a little less normal. I get to the steps and rest a second, start down the steps, and get close to the area when a guy says, "I'll get that for you. They are kinda heavy." It won't the weight, it's my leg! But, who needs to know that. "Thanks." I start back up the steps and walk around the corner. I grab another bale and begin to leave the building, when the cargo pants guy looks at me, looks at the bale, looks at my legs and goes "can we get some guys to help out? I think I have, we have some gloves. That'll make it easier." Ok. So I'm struggling. ~sheesh~ I signed up to do this and I didn't think I'd have an issue so quickly! I make it back to the steps. Another fella, tall older white guy, goes "I can get that for you." "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be weak, I promise." He's smilin' at me and I hand over the hay bale. "I'm gonna get you to help me over here, the guys can do this heavy lifting." This from a tall young lady, who could be either the twin or sister of another tall gal wearing the same clothes!! LOL "Yes ma'am." We go back to the shady alley and I'm greeted by a fella in long khaki colored pants, a layered gray shirt with white long sleeves, flip flops, a khaki visor, and some of that mixed Irish red hair. You know, blonde/red on top, blonde eyebrows, and an orange semi short beard. Curtis. I can remember that. He says we are "gonna set up some tables." Aight Curtis. Me, my partner from the park and a few other volunteers were over in this alley. We set the tables up and Curtis is like we are gonna set up an "easy up". (An easy up is that tent thing you see at sporting events) One popped up. What next Curtis? Curtis? Ah, there he is talking to what looks like a preppy guy. He's walking closer to us. Closer. Closer. "Hi, I'm Tim." "Hi Tim!" Tim has on khakis, some closed toed shoes, a sweater, and a collared shirt. His hair...a mid length shag of dirty dishwater brown color with some light brown sprinkled in there. "We've gotta unload the truck." "Do you want to do that now?" "Yeah let's do it now, were basically set up. We'll make changes later, let's just get set up." I like Curtis and Tim. Two guys with a plan...for the most part. Me and another volunteer, she's a bit older, get instruction to set up another easy up, but this u-haul is coming down the alley. "Do you want to go ahead and set it up?" I said to the other volunteer. "Well, the truck is moving, let's wait a minute." The truck is backing up and the driver is looking in his mirrors, another white guy, this time in a dirty shirt, some khaki pants (baggy), flip flops and a medium-short dark brown hair cut with a more fuller beard. LOL Anywho! We get this easy up in place and we make our way to the truck. Yay! There's stuff to do and direction is being given. All of the volunteers are pitching in and there are a few new faces in our mix. There were even two kids out here. Awww. We clear the truck and are getting everything in it's place for the vendors. Little did I know, Tim, Curtis and Brian were the vendors.

I was looking for something to do and I am asked if I wanted to go with "these two guys" to help get some more stuff from the truck. "Sure." We start walking up the alley, and up a bit further, to a parking lot. Me, my first volunteer buddy, Brian, and this tall black haired white guy (no beard, just a faint mustache), were walking to the U-Haul that was just in the alley! The fella introduces himself as Derek, I can remember that! I have a knack for D names. :-D "We need to get some plants from the warehouse, someone can ride with me ...". That was Brian. "I'll ride with you." I opened the door, scooted my buns in the U-Haul and Brian jumps in. Now, I always wear my seat belt and I think Brian felt obligated to put his on, because he looked at me, looked at the seat belt, and looked at me again. Mind you I'm smilin' at him like (you better put that belt on buddy). LMBO He buckles up, rubs his beard, laughs to himself and starts up the truck. We are drivin' along and I wasn't going to sit in that awkward silence. You know what I'm talking about, new person, small space, different ethnic backgrounds... "I can't believe you can navigate these streets in Richmond! I'd have us lost in a minute." Brian is laughing, he puts one hand on the wheel and he's stopped leaning on the door. "I don't remember you from last year..." "Oh! This is my first time volunteering for this event." "Oh cool! You'll like it. You'll love the festival and the food and the beer." I'm laughing as I say, "oh no...no, I'll be at home doing some homework in a bit. It looks like it would be fun though." Brian is leaning closer to me by now. "Oh you should put off the homework, have a beer with me...with us at the festival." Now my teeth are really showing and I'm feeling more nervous than usual, "I would love to procrastinate, but I have to stick to my agenda." Brian rubs his beard, "yeah, I know what you mean. Where do you goto school at?" "Two, Strayer University in Midlothian and an online school, Ashworth College." "Oh yeah? How do you like the online school?" "Oh! You have to be determined to not procrastinate. I hope to be finished with both schools by the end of this year." "Cool cool." "Strayer...so do you live around here, here in Richmond?" "I live down towards Dinwiddie." Brian looks over at me, "Dinwiddie! And you came all the way up here?" "Yep". "I want to move out to Dinwiddie. Buy a farm you know. Get out of Richmond." "I like the space and how quiet it is. At least my area is pretty quiet." By now we've been driving around for 5 or 6 minutes. Brian asks me, "so do you like this type of stuff, volunteering?" "I have a small garden at home." Brian totally perks up, "how big is you garden? What do you grow?" "I have tomatoes, which my oldest dog loves to eat! And flowers and strawberries, peppers...small stuff." "No, no...that's good. That what I want, a place for a garden...in the country." We pull down a street, looks like a rundown subdivision. We park, at what looks like a junkyard. We exit the truck, Brian opens the gate and we walk in. Derek and my partner show up. We walk in a little further to a wagon loaded with transplants. Peppers, tomatoes, basil, parsley, thyme...we loaded up the trucks with the trays. We left and about two minutes later we are back at the volunteer site! Tim, Derek, Brian, and Curtis are working together like magic. We unload the truck, set up the rest of the items, and boom! Magic. The alley looked great! And the two kids I seen earlier, was only one child and an adult!! She was so LITTLE!! She had to be four feet or shorter, jeans, a brown leather looking jacket, a gray tee shirt, some boots, and a head full of blonde and brown dreds. I was recruited to help another vendor, who's stand was informing people about solar energy. Pretty cool. One more easy up. And now back to the main site.

Things are looking much better!! A coordinator stationed at 3rd Street, asked me, my first partner, and the only Asian guy were asked to set out some sidewalk chalk along the streets 2nd, 3rd, and 4th. Then we were asked if we could write or draw something along the streets. I was asked to go in between 4th and 3rd streets to set up chalk I walk down a few blocks and start to open the boxes. Then I was like, "I'mma draw something." So I knelt down and started doodling. A few people walked by, commenting on my picture. Felt pretty good, but I'm not an artist. LOL I stopped about six sidewalk squares later. Back at the main site, I volunteered to pass out goody bags to some of the vendors. I joined a peppy volunteer, who seemed to know every vendor there! We passed out some bags and the sun started to come out. YAY! I tried to track down some coordinators to find more to do, but no luck. The beer was flowin', people were eattin' and everything was starting to pick up. I found the 3rd street coordinator, thanked her for her leadership skills, and made my way back to my car. By now, my feet are really killing me. I'm hunched over, walking up the streets of Richmond! I plop onto my car in relief and a feeling of satisfaction sweeps over me. Today was a great day. :-D

New Year Resolution

This year is almost over. Only a couple of hours left. Deon and Zero are snoring on the couch next to me, as I divert my attention away from my homework I should be doing. :D But, I must say this year has really surprised me. I've lost a job I really enjoyed performing, even though people say it is hectic, I liked it. I've been on the longest vacation imaginable! Due to an illness, then infection. I've had three surgeries, two major and one minor. I found out that even with perseverance and due diligence...you can't avoid the complications that come along with diabetes. I found out I have ovarian cancer. I still haven't told my family. I'm losing the function of my right leg and left hand. I may or may not have lupus. I've realized that I do love volunteering and being busy. I have learned to be overly tolerant, even though the right thing to do would resonate my old personality. I have come clean with an old boyfriend about my abrupt discontinuance with our relationship. Seems that his battle buddy was playing a "trick" and instead of me calling him back and pulling the "who is..." attitude, I nuked the bridge and changed my number! Go me for overkill!! But, it was for the best, he has another child anyways who would have been consummated during the time he was out west! So go figure. I went back to school...I finished one degree...I started and completed my training for adoption...I have had a busy year!

What does the next year hold for me. ?? I pray something better. I don't want to die. Lord, please don't let me be killed or murdered or die from injuries from brutality. I don't feel I deserve that treatment. Please let me acquire a very well paying job. Lord, you know I can learn anything, you have given me that gift and I thank you for it. Let me do things that will come hard for me to fathom, but will be of benefit. I hope the new year comes with more family time for myself, my brothers and my mother and father. I pray for less animosity within our brood. I pray that my older brother remains happy and satisfied. I pray that my younger brother finds his niche and finds happiness and satisfaction. I pray fro my father's success in what he plans on doing and that he does not succumb to defeat and hardships. I pray that my mother finds forgiveness in her heart and learns to live with less stress.

This new year...I plan to:

1. Eat less
2. Eat healthier
3. Start and successfully complete P90X
4. Succeed in my classes at Strayer University
5. Finish and graduate from Ashworth University with my A.S.A. in computer information management
6. Save $4000 for my trip to China in 20012
7. Learn Chinese
8. Improve on my Spanish
9. Spend time with my family
10. Play more with Deon and Zero
11. Be more active with volunteering
12. Contribute to starting a Book Bank in the Tricities
13. Get rid of my outstanding debt
14. Change positions at work
15. Find a much better job
16. Rest as needed
17. Have my fibroid removed
18. Finalize my adoption of a child
19. Be a great parent/role model
20. Practice God's word

I know there's a lot on my list, but I have things that are doable.
Perseverance is on my side...good luck too! :)

Happy New Year

What's My Calling??

I...volunteer. What else can I say? I am one of those people who like being busy and doing stuff. And, something I'm very good at is lending a hand. I have under went surgery on both of my feet back in July and I had a more recent surgery on my left foot in October. I have been home-bound ever since. I do not go out unless I feel compelled to do so, but I have been taking advantage of my situation to the fullest. I have found this website that actually helps you locate volunteer events throughout a particular region of the state. I don't know how I found the site, but I am very thankful for doing so.

So far I have participated in about five events for the Salvation Army, four events for the Community Food Bank, two race events(which I took my mom and cousin too), and two events dealing with the CBB for RAV. I must say I am very content. I volunteered in the past because I was able to. Not really for any particular circumstance, but because...I just did. I can't say I wanted to do so, or that I felt some religious/spiritual draw to help others. I just did. I couldn't say I felt happy or sad or angry or mad. I really didn't have any feelings about volunteering or whether or not I helped someone. I was emotionless. I was like a robot. I somehow or other was programmed from birth to be busy and migrate towards areas that needed some aspect of human intervention...or maybe attention. And this is what I do. I could have been like my classmates; sex, drugs, self indulgence, unruliness, convalooteness,...did I mention sex. Not to say I was a angel, because I wasn't, but I really just stuck to my own agenda and walked down a different path than everyone else.

After my first surgery, I really took a long look through my life diary and realized that if Iam honestly going to lose my legs...lose my mobility...lose my dignity...lose the respect given to people that are similar to the majority of the population... ...I should do what I can now! No one can say that they haven't been rude to a handicapped person or looked at them differently or treated them like they were helpless. Even if it wasn't done purposely, it is something that society has established as a norm, so I am not passing judgment. Just stating what is true. I felt that if I were to become a part of another minority group, then I should make use of the time I have available now.

Lol or maybe it's because of the reality shows flooding the television, like Extreme Home Makeover. This show cuts me deep. Deep...into my soul. It yanks me by my throat and spews its hot breath in my face and asks me, "...Don't you feel that?" "that" being emotions. And I...my face is on fire! My throat is dry. My neck is in pain from this grip...this grip that will not let it move to the left or to the right. My nose is runny. My body is hot and cold simultaneously. My head begins to hurt, my mind is flooded with thoughts of past volunteerism and I am filled with overwhelming remorse. Remorse that I never showed any feeling or noticed the look on a child's face or the tears of a stranger that was very thankful. I never listened to the "thank you". I never said "you are welcome". I never did anything; other than show up, work, read, rake, shovel, clean, build, stack, sweep... and when those things were done, I'd ask "what else can be done". People looked at me and I know now that they were thinking I was a great volunteer, but in reality I was just being me. Busy.

I have found pleasure in volunteering. I've told coworkers and family members that I take nothing from volunteering. I just needed something to do with my time. Now that I'm not working, I have been able to focus on the meaning behind the task. I have learned about "who" I am working hard for. "who" my help is helping. "who" is saying thank you. "who" is hugging me. I feel what I couldn't or denied feeling before. The happiness, the sorrow, the anger, the empathy and sympathy...and I like it. I've always thought of volunteering as a selfless act. An act that has no strings attached. An act without rewards or gifts or benefits. But...it is all of that. Volunteering has a reward. It has a gift for those who volunteer and the recipients of volunteering. It has benefits. It comes with strings attached. It is as much a selfish action, as it is a selfless action. I have made use of my time out of work to increase my volunteerism. I help at a community kitchen that feeds the homeless, services the elderly and provides meals to many children forced to live in not so appealing environments. I have helped the Salvation Army collect and pass out gifts and clothing for disadvantaged children and seniors that would do without anything. I have helped sort, clean and shelve books for youths and parents in an effort to increase the love of reading and literacy. I have helped with a fund raising event to support the community book bank.(12/18/2010) I have volunteered to help at a hospice. I will be undergoing training to mentor at risk youths. I have found something that I am good at, being busy, but also that I love to assist others to the best of my abilities.

I pray that the little bit I am doing and have done in the past has truly helped someone in their time of need. I mean...what else could I pray for?


Amen

Happy birthday Dave

Today is my older brother's birthday. :D yay! He's overseas and I do not talk to his wife, so I guess I'll just wish him a happy birthday anyways. :) I love my family. Hopefully he is having fun and stays safe.

Ahhh, it's been a minute

Hi blog!!! I haven't wrote anything since my sidekick went on the fritz and all that. Well...what's new? I see there are some new designs, a new log in procedure, I had to remember that I used my cell phone email as my login, that was fun. I've have been there a little bit since I last blogged. I've been bumped out of my position at work. I have had a stroke. I have been in the operating room twice, so far. My glucose level is at 6.7%. Whoot! I can't squat without losing the feelings in my legs. The peanut in my lower ab has exploded exponentially!! I've lost about 34 lbs. I've gained about 48 lbs. I've been putting up with Chris's crap. Pardon me, still putting up with his crap. There are even more guys trying to win a piece of my attention. There are even more who know I'm not interested, but still give it the "ol' college try". I've been out of work for 3 months. I've been back at work for 30 days. I'm now back out of work. I've been hooked to a portable umbilical cord-like machine. My feet have been burnt. I've vomited more this year than my entire life up until July combined and triplicated. I've picked back up volunteering. I've been on the Dean's list for the past 4 out of 4 quarters. I was nominated to be in the National Society of Collegiate Scholars. I became a member of the NSCS. I obtained my Associate's from my school. I'm working on my Bachelor's now. I started another Associate's program in Information something or other. :) I was recently nominated to participate in the International Scholars Laureate Program. I've been in three casts. I had lunch with Regina on Tuesday. We had Chinese. :D And, I'm driving a new car. Oh! and I got a ticket. Whoo. :/ So nothing really going on with me. I just wanted to give you an update. :D